We lost a member of our community recently. He made the decision to take his own life. This isn’t the first one of my training partners to take this step, but the first in Montana. I have long known that martial arts can be a coping mechanism for mental health issues. I know this through firsthand experience. In my lowest of lows, the mat has always been there. Rolling can be a mental and emotional escape. Of course, there is also the endorphin bump that you gain from the exercise and physical contact with friends. However, even with this healthy outlet, you have to go home sometime.
“Home” is really the inside of our own heads. If you haven’t danced with the skeletons in your own closet, “home” can be a frightening place. Being alone with your thoughts can be dangerous. We want to believe that there is something we can do for our friends and family when they get to this place. At this point in my life, I’m not sure that is always true, but we have to try.
We spend hours training our physical bodies. How much time do most of us spend on our mental and emotional health? Exercise does have an important mental component, but I have found that processing past trauma and hardship requires more intentional work. Just like with a deep physical injury, there is a point that our cup is full and recovery may be more difficult.
My sister is a mental health counselor and encouraged me to find a counselor when I could not bring myself out of a pretty deep depression while doing all of the “right” things in terms of my daily routine. I was training, going to graduate school, working, no drinking or drugs, eating clean, and still not functioning very well. Everything seemed far away. I was going through the motions, but nothing mattered all that much. Some days were worse than others. This is not classically what people think depression looks like. In my experience, the people who have made this final choice were very active socially, physically, and professionally.
After much convincing, I found a counselor that I connected with well. They are truly not all created equal. They can’t just be a passive listener or an echo chamber. I would encourage people to find one that they feel is a good fit, not just the first one they encounter. After nearly three years of weekly meetings, I was able manage my lows and know when they were coming. I also dug through my past so that it wasn’t affecting how I treated those in my present circle. A recent group therapy experience reinforced some of these lessons. I left these experiences with a stronger sense of self and an understanding of my personal triggers. Unfortunately, like me, I think that most people wait until there is a crisis to get help.
From what I have learned, our mental and emotional health are hard wired to some extent from birth. There are genetic and environmental risk factors that we do not have control over. Childhood abuse, addiction, and physical illness are a few risk factors that we may be exposed to without control. Sometimes the risk factors win. People move into adolescence with a cup that is nearly full. The locus of control feels external in nature.
On the opposite side of the risk factors are the protective factors. These internal and external forces are what make us more able to handle stress and less likely to attempt suicide. Our locus of control seems more internal when these factors are high.
PERSONAL PROTECTIVE FACTORS
- Attitudes, values, and norms prohibiting suicide, e.g., strong beliefs about the meaning and value of life
- Social skills, e.g., decision-making, problem-solving, and anger management
- Good health and access to mental and physical health care
- Strong connections to friends and family as well as supportive significant others
- Cultural, religious or spiritual beliefs that discourage suicide
- A healthy fear of risky behaviors and pain
- Hope for the future—optimism
- Sobriety
- Medical compliance and a sense of the importance of health and wellness
- Impulse control
- Strong sense of self-worth or self-esteem
- Sense of personal control or determination
- Access to a variety of clinical interventions and support for seeking help
- Coping skills
- Resiliency
- Reasons for living
- Being married or a parent
EXTERNAL OR ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTIVE FACTORS
- Strong relationships, particularly with family members
- Opportunities to participate in and contribute to school or community projects and activities
- A reasonably safe and stable environment
- Restricted access to lethal means
- Responsibilities and duties to others
- Pets
https://wmich.edu/suicideprevention/basics/protective
There are people who exemplify many of these positive external protective factors but allow their internal protective factors to be worn down. They handle a very difficult life circumstance without much outward expression of emotion. In my own life I have known these people to be very giving. They were pouring so much into those around them, their own internal reserves became compromised. Then, a difficult external risk factor came crashing down on that fragile foundation. Having stronger internal protective factors may have made the difference for those people even as their own genetics and life experiences may have weighted the scales.
A few days after Peter took his own life. Those that had known him and trained with him got together around a bonfire. We hadn’t known Peter long in the grand scheme of things. We tend to get closer to our training partners due to the physical contact and trust built through being in vulnerable positions. He also went out of his way to share his knowledge with others as a coach. He quickly became a core member of our community. It was obvious hearing his laugh across the room that he found great joy in training. He was well versed in both striking and grappling exemplifying a true martial artist as he continued to train as he moved throughout his life in the military and beyond.
It was drizzling rain and still cold for spring as we stood close to each other and the fire. We passed a purple belt around to each person allowing them to share memories and say goodbye. The emotions expressed ranged from deep sadness to disbelief to frustration and anger. At the end of the circle, I placed the belt on the fire and watched it char to black.
I have to believe for those left behind, it is a reminder that life is short, and we have to continue to do our very best to build those protective factors up in ourselves and others. Our dark days contrast to make the good ones even more beautiful. The darkness can seem permanent, like most things in life it is temporary. Take care of yourself and your tribe. We are often more connected than we realize.
I write this in memory of those I have shared the mat with that were gone too soon.
Here is a link to help find the right counselor for you:
https://www.groundworkmentalhealth.com/post/how-do-i-choose-a-therapist
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Rolling Under The Big Sky 